Doodleknackers

"Say what, old fruit?", I hear you ask me. Well The Schaf has taken to doodling weather-related effigies, for those on Twitter {i}. Here's one such piece of artwork, cue the Vision On tune...

https://twitter.com/Schafernaker/status/308841727005974529

Tomasz has now moved over to the BBC's new headquarters, at Oxford Circus in London; thus waving goodbye to BBC TVC at Shepherd's Bush, quite literally...



 So keep an eye out for Tomasz in the new BBC News Studio, talking about a "washing machine of weather". In other news, the news series of The Matt Lucas Awards has started, not sure which episode Tomasz will appear on as yet.

{i} Tweeple is the demonym, I understand. What can I say, I'm down widda kidz.

Food for thought

Tomasz has made a much welcome return to the Twittersphere; he apologies for his recent silence, but I'm sure he's been busy with other things.

Firstly he has attended an event organised by Food Network UK, a television channel that describes itself as: The ultimate food destination. Loads of recipes and videos to satisfy your every craving. Watch us on Sky 262, Freeview 49 and freesat 405.

A fellow attendee of the event, was a baker called Edd Kimber-- who took this lovely shot of himself with The Schaf



I'm not sure why His Loveliness was invited to this event {i}: Maybe my notion of yore could be could be coming true, a cookery show with Rustie Lee. I can picture it now; Tomasz showing off his hot perogis, while Rustie cackles anarchically in the background.

In the past couple of days, Tomasz has been keeping us updated on the strong winds over Scotland. Tulloch Bridge in Perth & Kinross recorded a gust of 105mph, while Glasgow Airport had gusts of over 70mph! The highest speed recorded has reportedly been at Cairngorm (Highlands) 165mph-- only 8mph short of the all-time record. I bet that ruffles the feathers of the ptarmigan.

Some wags have named the storm Hurricane Bawbag {ii}, a name that seems to have quickly gained popularity. However, as Michael Fish will tell you {iii}, we can't get hurricanes in this country; just as well, because I don't think Scotland would like 14 inches of rain in one day! (It would bring the midges out)

Tomasz explains:
I see there is some discussion about "hurricanes" and "hurricane force winds". Hurricanes only happen in the subtropics and close to the tropics. It's a term that describes a cluster of spinning thunderstorms about an "eye". The winds which blow inside a hurricane are of "hurricane force".

Hurricane winds blow at least 74mph with gusts of 90mph or more. Today, we in fact, had hurricane force winds in the UK, but not generated by a spinning cluster of thunderstorms (a "hurricane"). The winds today were brought by a mid-lattitude storm which is common in our climate. So, you can have "hurricane winds" but not necessarily produced by a tropical hurricane.

The good news is that the winds are expected to die down a little overnight. However temperatures will struggle to get much above freezing (only 3C expected in my neck of the woods tomorrow), which means blizzards are possible on high ground.

In fact some snow has already fallen across the Pennines; as is 'traditional', the marvellous Tan Hill Inn in North Yorkshire (Britain's highest pub) was cut off by snow yesterday-- ultimate lock-in. Just as well it has its own snow-plough!

Stay safe in the winds, if you're in Scotland.

{i} To help make some dough rise, perhaps
{ii} For those who have not watched Dr Finlay or Taggart, that's a gentleman's scrotal sac (IE "ball-bag")
{iii} And has been doing since 1987

Croydon facelift

Some intriguing Tweets from His Loveliness today, been filming in a certain borough of Greater London it appears:

[I'm] having the most hilarious(!!!) day interviewing interesting/bizarre characters in the street in Croydon. I can't stop laughing. Someone help. Who says Croydon is uninteresting lol...had a whale of a time lol. [Then I] was in east London, ended up with the crew at the Natural History... what an unusual day of filming I had around London today; from a paranormal expert to a 'fish professor' lol. Off to Wales tomorrow.

It's no wonder Kate Moss turned out the way she did. And a fish professor eh? Who says fish aren't intelligent. So any Croydonites {i} spot Tomasz out and about-- or even spoke to the good man himself? And I wonder which part of Wales he is going to?

I hope the weekend's weather was kind to you. I headed up into the Cheviot Hills and Kielder, lovely fresh and cool up there, beautiful part of the world. Despite what sundry internet bitches say, Tomasz can laugh at himself. His considered opinion of last night's weather? "What a muddy sh*te this evening's weather has been. Flamin nora! Or wet nora".

Let's hope that The Schaf filming continues to be fun, and I cannot wait to see the end product. Starting a new job can often me nerve-wracking...



{i} Or whatever the correct demonym for a Croydon resident is.

Carry on camping

The Schaf is on the prowl at present, filming a new television series: A long trip up to the north of the UK awaits. Off to explore the great outdoors and do some filming for a new telly show coming soon. Will keep you posted via Twitter.

It appears his travels have taken him to Cumbria; thinking along meteorlogical lines, Cumbria is England's wettest place {iii}, so that perhaps explains Tomasz's interest in the place. Could also explain why he is putting up a tent {i}...



That looks like the North Pennines to me: The Cumbrian side of the Pennines is infamous for Britain's only named wind, the Helm Wind. It's a north-easterly wind which blows down the south-west slope of the Cross Fell {ii} escarpment. The Helm Wind is the only named wind in the British Isles: It reputedly takes its name from the cap of cloud which forms above Cross Fell, known as the Helm Bar.

The Helm Wind is a local example of the strong foehn winds that can blow down-slope in the lee of mountain barriers (notably in The Alps) Research into the wind was carried out by a glider-pilot called Gordon Manley in the 1930s. He interpreted the phenomenon in hydrodynamic terms as a "standing wave" and "rotor"-- a model confirmed in 1939 by glider flights. The Helm amplifies winds from the north-east, and can be extremely destructive in the nearby Vale of Eden. Will Tomasz experience this phenomenon?

So if you are dropping by the Hartside Top Cafe in the next day or two, you may see The Schaf in there supping on cuppa and chomping on a cream horn.



{i} Not a euphemism
{ii} Cross Fell is the highest peak of the Pennines, near Penrith.
{iii} Officially Borrowdale. Well according to John Craven, it is.

Douze points

So Eurovision is over for another year, congratulations to Azerbaijan {i}. The UK's middling entry got a middling position in the results. Everyone's favourite bequiffed Irish singing duo, Jedward {ii}, confounded many expectations by not winning. Their performance screamed EV-- plus their noterity is widespsread. Then again Dustin The Turkey is another infamous Irish cultural export, and noterity didn't work then.

Anyway what do I know, with my prehensile drivel? {iii}. For there is a new Eurovision guru in town. Forget memories of Sir Terrence and his tipsy tittle-tattle; or the nasal narration of Graham Norton, or even the gentle purr of Ken "one year oot" Bruce on Radio 2.

For we have The Schaf, and his Eurovision tweets. His comment on EV in general? "The excitement is truly euphoric! My head is literally in the Stratosphere. LOL ;)". He's taller than he looks.

If you missed EV, here's Tomasz's verdict thereon {iv}. A disclaimer from the man himself first though: "I'm sure I'll upset a few with rubbish commentary later on ;) LOL". Certainly some familiar phraseology hidden herein (sic, severally)...

> My fave in no particular order: Hungary, Azerbaijan, Russia...and of course UK and Poland (out).
> Yes, my Polish countrymen (ladies) didn't quite sing to tune the other night. Ah well.
> Well I guess Austria is OK
> Like Netherlands, catchy
> Slovakian barbie dolls...it's ok.
> Moldova! LOLOL. Moldova singers reminder me of mental Smurfs.
> Sweden, Thumbs down from me.
> Cyprus. Not for me.
> Well Bulgaria ain't terrible, average I'd say
> Only liked the first 5 seconds of Macedonia!
> Dana! This will be good! Lol Israel...Ding Dong say no more LOL. Good! {iv}
> I've been to Slovenia. Wonderful country.
> there's a lot of legs going on in this Eurovision. Starting with Poland the other day...
> Romania classic lol. It's ok. He got his pants from Jack Black the pumpkin man or was it Beetlejuice!
> Is just me who isn't that keen on Estonia's entry. I see the London Eye behind!
> Latvia. I'm not singing along.
> What song does the Danish entry remind me of? WHAT THE...lol!
> Flamin heck!! #Jedward #eurovision LOL
> Finland: is it just me, or is it plain boring? Its just "ah thats nice" LOL. Thumbs down from me.
> BosniaH: not for me. Thank you LOL. Nice fireworks.
> Jedward Hair Denmark i like.
> Lithuania: its all just Fog Fog Fog. She's only 'just' in that dress LOL
> Hungary: like a storm. Blew me away. LOL ...but, why wasnt there more energy on the stage! No win me thinks.
> Jedward: BBQ SUMMER
> Sweden: WHAT A WASHOUT. like uk Weather.
> Estonia: DRIZZLE...or dribble.
> Greece: A bit unsettled LOL (cold front, warm front?...make ur mind up)
> FRANCE: ...in fact his hair looks like a birds nest? ;) Weather looks nice behind...shame about his hair LOL
> Russia: good job they got the letters the right way round.. electrifying lol
> GEORGIA: oh gawd. It's like forecasting snow...a NIGHTMARE.
> SERBIA: it's all isobars!! LOL. Multi colour!
> UKRAINE: she'll take off into the stratosphere with those shoulderpads.
> SPAIN: like a breeze. Quite liked it.
> ICELAND: what a load of frozen balls! LOL Remind me not to shop in iceland LOL.
> SLOVENIA entry: lotsa warm fronts. Lost count.
> AUSTRIA: if it's not her head in the clouds it's certainly her legs lol..,where do They stop LOL
> ROMANIA entry: its like our like few summers in the UK...r
14 May
> GERMANY entry: off to nowheresville
> Moldova: MUDDY SHITE (sorry)
> AZERBAI'BOTTLE'OF'JAM: warm and sunny, thumbs up ;)
> UK: another BBQ SUMMER...im feeling.
> Switzerland Background: TVam weather? Or maybe 'Sunrise' on SKY? LOL
> ITALIANO: pianful...just like my forecasts that have gone wrong.
> AZERBAI'BOTTLE'OF'JAM: warm and sunny, thumbs up ;)
> I just Lost £10.Finger up to that!! *grunt*

I like the way Tomasz's updates got cheekier as the evening wore on, perhaps Tomasz was following Terry's Wogan's tradition, and having a little party. But then again The Schaf is down with the kids.



Of course there alternative ways of enjoying EV, as Mr Wogan explains, fast-foward to 2:10...



But back to Tomasz, he has a message for his Twitter followers: "Raising a toast to my 6000 followers...many thanks everyone! :)"

PS: Best of luck to Dan Corbett, who is leaving the BBC, and indeed the country! Off to forecast in New Zealand. I believe his last broadcast was on Five Live this morning. A great forecaster, who will be missed from our airwaves. Goodbye, for now...

{i} Clearly EV has the power to accelerate continental drift eastward. I expect Bangladesh to win next year
{ii} I'd miffed, I were Jonathan Grime-- his brother hogs all but one letter of their pormateau name
{iii} "The square root of nothing", you all say in unison
{iv} Hire him *now* as an EV commentator, Beeb! Well obviously not right now, the competition won't be around for another year.

Have I got news for you

Tomasz got another accolade this week, a mention on Have I Got News For You {i}. The main topic of conversation was the NUJ strike at the BBC, and an aside was *that* report in the Daily Bile about Tomasz's attire-- "causing a storm". Ian Hislop wondered if Tomasz had literally caused a storm (in jest of course).

I'm pleased to say the angle from Jo Brand was to sneer at said paper, rather than His Loveliness. Paul Merton recognised him as the bloke who stuck fingers up onscreen, which precipitated that all-too-familiar clip. Paul charitably suggested he was showing there was a cyclone expected over the Midlands! The others were more passive in their reponse, but they were clearly smirking at the paper and the "outrage". Lovely screengrab of him!



For people in the Uk, there's an extended version of the show this Sunday on BBC2-- we may get more on that! Tomasz Tweeted that he is "honoured" by his mention on the programme-- despite the "story" about his attire.

I like the idea of the new weathergirl at the beginning of HIGNFY. Although Her Majesty was on the set of UTV, which is ITV's franchise in Northern Ireland-- not the BBC's. Not that I'm trying to ruin a good joke or anything.

Should any Daily Mail/Metro readers be reading this, don't watch this Sunday's Country Tracks, you may be treated to shocking scenes such as this:




If you want to be even more outraged, watch Countryfile. You may see Mr dishy Deakin wearing his casuals as well, shlock horror..



Not sure Alex "mah dear" Deakin is on Cfl this week, he's been on Janice Long's show most of this week-- with chatter straight of the Sherrie Hewson book of conversation!

Tomasz is on tomorrow for his usual lunchtime session, and Country Tracks too. I hope he dresses as stunningly as did last Sunday-- ignore what a certain paper says. Tomasz-- you're worth the Licence Fee alone!

{i} For those outside the UK, Have I Got News For You (HIGNFY) is popular long-running satirical show, that has been on BBC since 1990. It features Private Eye editor Ian Hislop and surreal comedian Paul Merton. They are joined by a guest chairperson, and a guest panelist each (often a comedian, journalist, actor or politician)

The show is just for laughs, and the quizshow style is really to give it structure and a device for banter between knowledgeable Hislop and wisecracking Merton.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Have_I_Got_News_for_You

Krusty the clown

His Loveliness was back on today, with a classy blue tie and tanfastic glow. However Tomasz did seem a little distrated; I swear I saw a strange shadow on the screen for one or two of his forecasts-- it's sabotage I tell you!

We did have an adorable (but minor) slip-up: Referring to the cold night over Northern Ireland, The Schaf said that the morning would be "crusty". What could make it crusty there, I wonder? Perhaps there are many hippies in Norn Iron, so there are. Of course our weather god meant "cold and frosty". Least he can laugh at himself...



The calming influence of Northern Ireland's finest, Maxine Mawhinney, meant that things ran more smoothly at 13:56..



Either way, seeing Tomasz on telly makes me as happy as Rustie Lee on Pro-Plus.

Meanwhile over on Twitter, Tomasz wants you to show off your prize-winning pumpkin! He aims to showcase the finest photos of pumpkins on his website. Speaking of which, the website has been updated with some nice pics of Tomasz on London-Paris bike-ride, plus a Halowe'en themed header. As you may know, Tomasz is famed for his Halowe'en parties....



Tomasz also kindly thanks everyone for the kind messages on Facebook, and is "still at the weather centre, for the moment". Reportedly the 'regime change' is due at the end of November-- I'm pleased to say his website remarks he's on "throughout November".

He's scheduled to be on Country Tracks tomorrow. As interesting as Jodie Kidd is, The Schaf ought to be on in the last quarter-hour (between 12:00 and 12:15). I'm sure the wonderful Terratec will capture the moments of glory for us! Thanks for the two uploads today, by the way.

Murphy's Law

Tomasz was back on telly today, making me question my mental health: When he was talking about pumping and humdity, I got rather too excited. Then again Tomasz saying just about anything has that effect on me, especially when he's got something pulsing in my direction...



Don't worry we knew what you meant with your "ridge" Tomasz. It's a good job Tomasz didn't start talking about googlies, when it came to cricket (The Oval). I'm not interested in the game, although I wouldn't mind a toss at Stuart Broad's middle-stump. That's cricket terminology. Apparently.



Meanwhile in our favourite rag's letters page:



I had worried that the Angry of Mayfair brigade may have kicked off, but thankfully His Loveliness has just stolen more hearts (well perhaps not north of Argyll & Bute), and rightly so.

Quoth the good man himself at Twitter: "I'm looking forward to my day off tomorrow after a week of Murphy's Law". Hope you have a good'un Tomasz, see you... well hear you... back on the radio for the weekend. A Janice Long appointment on Monday morning we hope?!

Very silly season

The News At One finished with a story about a stunt pilot, whose plane's wing fell off mid-flight. Thankfully the pilot escaped via parachute, and unharmed. "A lucky man" commented Sophie Raworth, before handing over to Tomasz! {iv}

Lucky indeed... I'm pleased he was back today and phlegmatic as ever. I'm also so heartened to see so many people posting so many supportive and forgiving posts on his Facebook profile, Twitter and elsewhere (including mardy papers' websites). Thankfully any Angry Of Mayfair comments have been extremely rare... if anything it's boosted his popularity! {iii}

I extend a big thanks to readers of this blog, who have rallied round Tomasz to give him supportive words on said outlets. Thumbs up to all of you.

Also it appears that his the story has gone worldwide-- you can tell it's silly-season! To be fair Tomasz, he does get global exposure: Metaphorically on the BBC World News and literally with numerous repostings of his Attitude shoot on the world-wide web! I know from the stats I get for this blog, I have traffic from all over the world; not just the UK, Poland and Canada. I think the incident will seal his status as international legend-- rightly so.

Sadly some people aren't impressed, are rather keen to shit-stir. Worst offender in my view, was today's Metro: "The outlook for this weatherman is bleak", with picture caption stating: "Mr Schafernaker can expect a frosty recpetion at work today". Laugh, I almost did.

This article is so crap it's good...



Below that was outrage about clothes GMTV presenters wear. Ye gods. Tomasz accidentally swearing on-air, an outrageous affront; Third World daily death-toll a mere statistic, it would appear.

Amusingly the BBC has put the video on its own Youtube channel, so perhaps they've finally seen the lighter side of it too {ii}. As I mentioned earlier, he was on the telly today, impeccably behaved... as was friend Simon McCoy. I wonder what he was referring to at the beginning of this [LOL], Murphy's law et al.



I'm sure many a reader wouldn't mind being given a finger by Tomasz. Oof, did I really just type that? 1609 visitors for yesterday, probably the record for my 11 months doing this!

By popular request...


Now that Tomasz is a true global star {i}, I hope my blog can do him justice still! Thanks to Terratec for the video upload, by the way

{i} Well he was mentioned on the Wright Stuff, after all
{ii} It does air Eastenders several times a week!
{iii} Denise Welsh mouthed a four-letter insult, Coleen called someone a "slag" and Lynda Bellingham once said "bollocks"-- all on Loose Women. Those ladies are still on it, as is the show... even with Joan Rivers's best attempt to derail it with her Russell Crowe comment.
{iv} I blame Emma Jesson, with her numerous appearances on TV's Naughiest Blunders. Bye-bye!

Apple strudel

Cześć and ey up! As you may have noticed, The Schaf has been away from our airwaves for the past week; but he returns tomorrow and for the next few days, on the lunchtime slot on Radio 4 and the News Channel/BBC1.

So what has His Loveliness been up to over the past week? An illustrated guide will tell all, courtesy of Twitter. Firstly it seems Tomasz is keen on getting 'down widda kids', a proper burberry ape innit blud...



So he decided to do this by getting the Apple I-Pad. Being the cool dude that he is, Tomasz managed to pre-empt Twitter king Stephen Fry, by telling us about the queue for said item. Thankfully The Schaf was triumphant.



I'm sure you'll agree that Tomasz has impressive applications there [wink]. He's also been spending time tending to his amazing "tropical garden". Alright it may not be the Eden Project; but as with everything of Tomasz's, it's well-crafted...



And finally, a gratuitous shot of Tomasz's equally well-crafted legs.



Don't say I never treat you [haha]

I? Sarcastic? Neverrrrr....

The Schaf was in a sarcastic mood today on News At One {ii}, he said that he felt like changing the summary to: "Is it really May?". To such an extent he mistakenly had the date as March 10th-- "certainly feels like March". That's because it's chilly.

For those who like warmer climes, milder temperatures are on the way. Quoth The Schaf: "By the time we hit 20C, we won't know what's hit us; you won't need to go to Dubai, that's for sure!". It's still chilly at the moment though.

At 10:56 Tomasz introduced his broadcast with: "Hot and sunny week on the way-- not!". Is Tomasz like todally turning into a Valley Girl, like ohmigod! {i}. He added that it's unlikely "to get desperately warmer" either. It's chilly dontchakno.

Chilly enough to damage your garden produce in fact... I glad he said pots though.



Blimey the thought of Tomasz, Norwegians, Vikings and blowing got me all flustered. Jon Andresen has lot to answer for... I blame Magne Furuholmen.

Finally on Facebook's Tomasz Schafernaker Appreciation Group a Lucy Morris (nee Walker) posts: "Tom, we love you! I could be really mean and post some photos on here of college days... but I'm not that cruel... wouldn't want to ruin the hot new looks you sport nowadays. Great to see you're so popular mate. Wow, the Tomasz Schafernaker Appreciation Society... I am in awe!!!!!!!!"

Damn right: Although I can't imagine Tomasz being anything other than hot! Sadly some of us don't turn into łabędźie

Thanks to Terratec for the video uploads... Tomasz is so impressed with you, that he's started linked your videos in his Twitter feed!


{i} Sooo 1996, whaddever. Gag me with a spoon!
{ii} Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit-- but it's the funniest.

Tomasz's own site-- and what a sight he is!

Some good news, and some bad news today.

First the latter: Tomasz reports on Twitter that he has this weekend off, so no Country Tracks performance from him this Sunday. I shall rectify this with an archive performance later!

I note somebody on Twitter called this site "slightly weird" [sharp intake of breath, chuckle]-- I think post-modern is the term that Tweeter is looking for! What's weird about about worshipping The Schaf hmm? Obliquely he's calling the dozens of Schaffanatics who visit this site, watch his Youtube vids, sigh when he comes on telly and write rightfully complimentary stuff on 'his' Facebook pages weird! Eee, I don't know...

Then again, everybody is somebody's else weirdo. I think we're all weird, because we all have our own quirks and foibles; which means being weird, is being normal. Oof, not thought it through have I?

So the good news! Tomasz has proved how amazing he is once more, by setting up his own website. Feast your eyes on this...

http://web.me.com/itomasz/tomaszschafernaker/Welcome.html

I'm glad to see Tomasz likes Norway {i}-- I have a strong hankering to go there. More impressive is Tomasz's artwork, he really is a talented artist... plus some great photos of Gdansk. Eell we wouldn't expect anything less would we? He is the best thing to come out the Długie Probrzeże, after all.

Plus there's the story of how he become a weather forecast and meteorlogist. Also details of his exercise regime, diet and musical tastes... I let him off for the prominence of R&B [shudders], for the fact he has included Scatman John! {ii}

I'm sure like me, you will be eagerly monitoring Tomasz's site for future developments. It probably mean that fewer will visit this site though [sniff, melancholic chortle]... but who I am to argue with The Schaf



An archive Country Tracks clip, from July 2009. I love the blue shirt, or rather the isobars behind it! Nice hand action and sound effect near the beginning, and he ought to wear those trousers more often too...



Thanks to pj8210 for the video

{i} Great culture, lovely language, rugged/beautiful landscape and rugged/beautiful men... what's not to like eh? God kveld to any folk from Norge who may be reading.
{ii} This will stick in your head for the rest of the week. RIP John...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEVUKofgNrU

Sweet tweets

Tomasz has been absent from our airwaves this week, but he knows to treat his fans-- or rather 'tweet' them:

"Wow... my last tweet was in August! Lets do some tweetin' again! Will it Snowfernaker tonight in London?".

Lovely to hear from you again, our Tomasz. I like the tweet in Polish:

"Znowu zbliża się śnieżyca do Londynu"

I speak French well, my German is so-so and I know a smattering of Norwegian {i}; but I'm ashamed to say I know no Polish (sorry Tomasz!). Such is my dedication, I ran the above through an online translator, it read: "It approaches for London again", but did not recognise "śnieżyca". I'm guessing it means snow? Do you any of you fine folk know any Polish, and could anyone clarify that?

Well I for one look foward to reading more of The Schaf's tweets. We can but hope he'll do a special performance for us tomorrow on Country Tracks!

Still no snow where I live! As one bloke said on the bus this morning: "Bluddeh cowd enough for it"!



{i} Bokmaal to be specific.